Amid rumors that the East Coast mafia is covertly buying up substantial blocks of stock in America’s largest pharmacy chains in an effort to gain control of prescription medications to offset diminishing interest and profits in its sale of illegal drugs, the FDA has announced that it will launch an investigation into the matter.
Previous efforts to identify such a trend have proven difficult due to lack of cooperation by the major stock brokerage houses under their time-honored doctrine of “Honor Among Thieves.”
Random audits have proven unsuccessful, owing to an unprecedented outbreak of laryngitis among the securities analysts assigned to the undercover task. Laryngitis is a common side effect of throat-slitting and strangulation, and in these instances, the condition is generally considered permanent.
In spite of these setbacks, the government has said that the investigation will push on, largely due to pressure by the major pharmaceutical manufacturers, who claim an unblemished history of completely legal extortion of the public, notwithstanding their failure to cure cancer and the unwitting innovation of the dreaded 4-hour erection.
Las Vegas organized crime bosses have reportedly offered deep discounts on Vegas weekend packages to mafia-connected drug dealers in New York and Chicago “as a gesture of solidarity during these troubled economic times”, as well as offering seminars to the criminals--oh, pardon me--executives in the country’s top banking houses to assist them in becoming more organized. Free cocktails will be made available to both groups, with complimentary trays of mushrooms wrapped in bacon, fastened with colored toothpicks; and what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
For the past decade, this blight of doctor-prescribed medications has been taking an ever-larger slice out of the pie chart of illegal drug revenues--and almost as bad, the celebrity trend toward abuse and/or death by prescription drugs has been stealing the (“no press is bad press”) headlines in the celebrity circuit, so that hardly any teeny-boppers think it’s “glam” anymore to be seen in a back alley with a needle hanging out of their arm.
Other problems have plagued the illegal-drug industry in recent years, as well. With so many states beginning to recognize and legalize the medical use of marijuana, legal greenhouses are springing up, offering a regulated product at a regulated price. How long will it be before the general public demands an end to discrimination in favor of the medically disadvantaged is anyone’s guess, but it does not bode well for illegal import and sales of marijuana. Perhaps this would also be a good time to invest in Doritos and boxed brownie mixes in anticipation of increased munchies-driven sales in the near future.
Only one thing can be seen as a ray of hope in the future of illegal drugs, and that is for health insurance to come together to work in tandem with the mob and fight for their own agenda on the steps of Washington, to legalize the sale of currently-illegal drugs for a $25 co-pay, radically reducing the amount they would have to pay to pharmacies and major pharmaceutical companies for the remainder of the purchase, as compared to insane prescription prices.
Lots of people, of course, would die from perfectly curable diseases for which their insurance would not cover the medication, but with health insurance companies dictating medical treatment, this is a scenario that already happens every day. And at least they’d go out happy; ask Anna-Nicole, Heath, and Michael J. We have been working diligently to cover this developing issue for our readers, and to find a knowledgeable East Coast “connected” source to corroborate our findings.
Signor Moment, as he identified himself to us, an elder spokesman for a legitimate business reputed to have mafia ties, denied any knowledge of a large-scale takeover of American pharmacies by organized crime, but did confirm that many overstressed drug dealers would be taking advantage of their Las Vegas colleagues’ generous offer for a few days to unwind. When asked what secrets would remain in Vegas, Signor Moment mimicked the gesture of grabbing someone’s backside, returned his marijuana stogie to his mouth and climbed back into his limousine with the darkly-tinted windows. Rolling down the window of the limo, he winked and told us that all would be made clear in the coded message that would appear in our press release. What a crazy old man! I wrote it myself; wouldn't I notice any "coded message"?
© KatieK, March 32, 2010.
Disclaimer: this article is a parody, distorting current events. In no way should it be viewed as anyone's true opinion, nor should it suggest any type of financial investments.